Ninja stars and alcohol are a bad combo
Holy jesus god. My teeth taste like street.
currently walking past a fire hyrdrant with a hose already attatched.. this could be dangerous..
Don't pass out before midnight like you did last year. See how much your year sucked
My neighbor just watched me eat a granola bar without pants, this is a whole new level of unemployed
Dude next time u fuck on our counters will u please let me know BEFORE I make lunch.
Imagine getting a FB inbox "hey I found your ID on the floor of a bar can you send me a mugshot so I can get a second piece of ID made?"
It's not a real holiday until someone pees on you. Did someone pee on you?
How have you never felt a dick as hard as mine?
Fuck you, dude, I'm not sharing my weed anymore if you're going for the Panthers.
Oh, I also stabbed a guy Friday and he still asked me out
I possibly am a tad bit not really but maybe slightly intoxicated.
You're a wizard. You are a master of disguise. You are beautiful. I love you.
Guess who just set half their backyard on fire.
Please tell me youre joking.
Nope. on the brightside though, im really gonna quit smoking this time.
The weirdest part of it all was wondering if I was going to take off his fanny pack or he was before we fucked
Randomize
