you probably should not have drank the wine that everyone spits out. and the sad part, that was not even your low point last night
So drunk can't even tell it's my own house. WOaoOw.
I don't know what you're doing, but there's a dragon on my street.
Dude. Hurry up. They just blessed the tequila.
After you vomited on the patrol car, you thanked the officer for helping you up off the ground. I don't think you realized you were being arrested.
It was awesome explaining why I had a tiger with boxers in my bed, a little bit drunk, to a girl in a pre-sex moment
also, the amount of semen in my carpet right now is unforgivable...
Oh god our sink is a cavalcade of horrors. Brb sacrificing a goat and putting everything in the dishwasher forever
I just wanna go somewhere and not be judged for wearing spandex shorts that make my ass look like a slice of fucking heaven. Is that so much to ask??
Favorite thing said to me in 2012: It's like you have two tongues!
Were you keeping a list?
It's like God tapped him on the shoulder and said "You are now capable of giving world shattering, tear jerking head."
Reasons why I love cats more than people: 1. They're not fucking people.
you never un-have a 4some
Just wanted to share my unfortunate vagina news in the hopes that it would make your vagina feel better about itself.
Apparently his ex was into edging and did it to him so much that it takes forever for him to cum
I hate you and your multiple orgasm sexcapades
Randomize
