Id settle for living inside the pirates of the carribean ride.
I knew I had to get an abortion when his toddler sister came up to hug my leg and I kicked her off saying, "Get off, fucker."
If you are in NYC and not seeing anyone, you should come fucke me now because:1 i am not in love with you anymore, 2 i am drunk enough where i won't feel the n eed to kisx you awardly to avoid your beard, 3we have unfinished business that i wpn't get -assed unyil orgass have been had, 4 i really really want to
I have two girls sleeping in my bed naked and I ended up making it to class, what were you saying about staying in on the weekdays?
so we told my parents we were going trick or treating. got high as shit at some playground. and then bought our own candy so we looked legit when we got home.
It's like God was speaking to me through a penis.
In retrospect pumpkin carving while drinking Patron was a bad idea.
Um I think everyone drunk and there's some douche on violin.
I woke up using a pile of socks as a pillow. I think theyre clean so thats a plus.
Just had the moment before I realised I'd packed you off in an ambulance last night after funnel-feeding you Monster and vodka. Your mom thinks I'm a dick doesn't she?
Just got your message from Saturday. Shove all the kittens down your pants? Really?
I was emotionally compromised.
So what's the moral standing on reading gay porn on your phone whilst sitting next to your 87 year old Grandma?
I think snapchat is trying to tell you something. It's saying your boobs were meant to be seen by his family.
you licked my face then when I finally got you to the bathroom, mid puke you said you liked the taste of my foundation.....you weren't drunk at all....
I guess when the asshole said “I really miss you and want to get back together” he actually meant “I’m banging a Hooters girl behind your back.”
I hope she gives him gonorhea
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