I need to just get drunk and eat a pot pie.
i just saw a foot job.
porn is incredible...
Intervention is following me on twitter.
wow.
We stole your phone last night, texted your brother and told him you wanted it up the ass by him. All he said was "I want ur money."
so are you any less fat since you started doing blow?
i'm reaslly not drunk enough to wtch the fat lesbian on my floor brng another fat lesbian dressed up as a bloody nurse into her room at 2am
That's the second time in a week someone has called me to talk drunk you into getting up off the floor. This needs to stop.
you picked up the vacuum cleaner at one point and said you we gonna beat the shit out of me with it. that was kinda funny
You never know, some chick could have a weird unibrow fetish.
Drunk puking in my bathtub has plugged it up for the third time this year. I hate these calls to my landlord.
Dude. I tried to hide my drunk wounds from my parents. Response: "we were young once" and "oh god, did I raise a drunk?"
You are beyond drunk wounds. You have drunk battle scars. A true veteran of the sidewalk
I'm drunk filing my taxes in a bar on a Monday afternoon in a Regular Show onesie. I think I'm starting to get the hang of this whole adult thing.
He stopped mid sex to pour wine in my mouth...
Marry him.
Mmm vodka always tastes better when i know i have work at 8am
I'm the only person I know that carries solo cups, shot glasses, ping pong balls, two decks of cards, and a lawn chair in his trunk. I'm ready to turn anything, anywhere into a party.
Randomize
