hey this is lauren, i have to type for jon because he's convinced the tongs he's holding are his real hands
he said i look beautiful when i cum. i think i'm in love.
i just unintentionally masturbated to my own facebook picture
so i woke up in some guy's bed but then i realized i can atone for this tomorrow
you'll never guess what i found when i got home...
a cake, in the toilet
thats the coolest thing thats happened to my vagina since i dated that guy from portugal.
Currently flirting with a 57 year old. Why do i do this
my first words to him the next morning were "do you like magic"?
You started crawling towards a moving train. Maybe you should take it easy next time
I feel like I should acknowledge that I see you as a human and not a ragdoll sex object
what better to celebrate not being pregnant than to eat a bowl full of rum soaked pineapples?
We single women of America need to make America great again by refusing to fuck anyone who supports Trump.
YOUR STATE IS STUPID
Did you miss a turn again?
WHAT FUCKING IDIOT DECIDED TO DESIGN AN ENTIRE FUCKING STATE WHERE YOU CAN'T MAKE A FUCKING LEFT TURN?!? FUCK NEW JERSEY
No we didn't talk. I was high and doing naked yoga in the living room when she walked in so it was just awkward. I didn't even know my dad had a girlfriend.
So I tried to catch a rabbit in Terraria & accidentally blew it up with a grenade made of bees. Monty Python would be proud.
Randomize
