Come in. Grab a controller and a beer. We've got some Madden to beat.
You're the best girlfriend ever.
I don't know why people felt they couldn't use the toilet with me passed out in the tub. I shut the curtain. It was like being in another room.
He told the cop he was underage, handed the cop his ID, and the police report read "I then informed the suspect that he was not, in fact, underage"
Just got that "I know what's going on with your vagina" look from that CVS cashier.
You bought MORE?!
Apparently getting drunk at a philanthropy event and tweeting about it is "frowned up"
All the party invite said was a date and "21 to drink, 18ish to sleep over"
Is it possible to break your brain with drugs?
I got a blow torch for Christmas. You are now permitted to be afraid.
He signed my ass with a Waffle House pen.
You know it's time to call it a night when every guy in the bar (all 3 of them) have seen you naked at one time or another.
Um that's okay I got up on the table at IHOP and terrorized the entire restaurant for a phone charger after I stole the whip cream from the kitchen and started eating it out the can
The fact that u had sex with a Disney prince blows my mind, you're my hero.
Be there in 6 mins I’m smell like fireball. and strippers and need to use your showers before go home
I went with vodka instead of tequila tonight so I make better decisions. Fool proof plan.
Accidentally mixed my gin with cold brew coffee instead of cranberry juice. It’s bad. But I’ll finish it. Never leave a fallen soldier.
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