It wouldn't matter if you are Jesus Christ himself, you are not getting into the bar tonight
my dentist asked me why my tooth was chipped, i told him i couldn't remember. i think he understands.
tequila makes me forget i have legs
He couldn't say anything coherently but shot off a perfectly timed "that's what she said" when michelle said he'd have to ride in the trunk because she didn't have enough room up front.
i think the doormans mad at me
well we haven't pretended to pretend we were going to have a threesome with him for a while...
Thanks for alerting everyone in our apartment what your one night stand's name is. Could you scream a little louder?
After he finished his girlfriend called him. I sat there, tied his shoes for him, then he high fived me and said "this is gonna be a great summer steph"
Drinking franzia alone at noon watching a cheese themed episode of "The Chew" I'm ready to admit I need a job.
This stranger told me I should "start playing for the other team" and then continued to talk to me about the joys of being a lesbian
Like you know your sex life is in a downward spiral when your best friend offers to sext you from Ireland
Meanwhile I'm googling glory holes in Vegas
Only you would get a side of potential vagina with your sandwich
Know we haven't talked but having an orgy party on the 20th if you're interested. If not, disregard this text.
Who is this?
I tried to avoid catching feelings but then he took me out to breakfast
woke up with a tree in my apartment. also the everclear bottle is suspiciously low
suspiciously? i think one of those explains the other
Randomize
