I had a long pep-talk with my penis that ended in "I love you, I'll try harder and I'm sorry."
she had condoms in her med. cabinet - magnums -I don't think I'm tall enough for this ride
Wine + wine + wine + wine + bud light = puke.
woke up this morning with a pool of champagne in my purse. apparently i was saving it for later.
nothing can go wrong this weekend. $1500 to spend. i have options for hookups every night. my backup plans have backup plans
His shopping cart was nothing but malt liquor and zucchini.
My google history shows every combination of "red lobster cheesy biscuits" possible.
Other than a hickey from some random Canadian roller derby girl, I came out unscathed
It's not a real holiday until someone pees on you. Did someone pee on you?
I just found a half a joint in my bed. . .don't know if this qualifies as a proud moment or a cry for help
So I'm getting really old. I feel asleep for a booty call that I initiated. The struggle is real.
I like it here so far, only people are a lot less accepting of my terrible decisions and it's cramping my style
DONT YOU DARE YELL AT ME. YOU'RE THE ONE WHO TRIED TO PAY FOR THE CAB WITH YOUR PANERA REWARDS CARD.
Social anxiety problems: I just had to get up and change stalls mid-poop because someone sat down in the one next to mine.
Listen, she cheated on him first. I've known both of them since we were 12. They have no secrets from me. And yes, as a matter of fact, I absolutely did enjoy screaming out his name into his, soon to be, ex wife's pillow.
Randomize
