Also, i'm pretty sure i've had my birth control pill stuck in my throat since like...two pm. So i'll be practicing safe oral sex tonight.
Today's life lesson: fat girls should not wear tight miniskirts and vinyl leggings. This Forever 21 salesgirl is a hot mess.
I think I sharted a yagerbomb.
The woman at walgreens tried to sell me clearance condoms with my fake eyelashes. Does it look like I get laid?
Sooo, drunk me had the sense of mind to write down everything that happened last night.....I bet you thought you'd get away with what you did to my parrot.
Literally just stood in the shower and forgot what to do. that hungover.
Lost is over, my longest committed relationship is coming to an end.
I can't get away from Pickles they're either stuck in me, in my mouth, or I'm stuck in one. fuck my whole entire life.
I just got while a charlie horse while orgasming...most confusing feeling ever...
do not give him the "i just had sex cake" i repeat DO NOT give him the cake. things didn't go well
i'm not a hellocoptur, but youer in a dorm ans im un a dorm
Don't. You get on the 18 year old. I'll get on the 38 year old. Together we will bridge 2 decades of cock.
Im in my back seat in my own drive way with two beers left to shotgun and watching the sunrise. Am I over her yet?
what better way to celebrate the birth of jesus christ than to get embarrassingly intoxicated and make poor decisions!?
reason #1 why i should never live alone: i haven't put pants on since she left 26 hours ago. and ive made spaghetti 3 times.
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