Just had to have the guy at Sprint clear the dried cum out of the trackball on my Blackberry. Wonder if that happens to him often.
the liquor store lady asked about three times if I was sure about buying two fifths of everclear. i told her I wanted to be on cops
He's scared I want a relationship? How does texting him at three am and sleeping with four of my exes symbolize that?
He probably thinks you're playing hard to get.
Hard to get?? I'm playing leave me the fuck alone.
I had to ask. I mean when you get a snap chat of a nipple you have to ask who's it is.
There's someone howling in the parking lot. Haha.
I woke up and there was pizza slices on the fucking walls of my room
I hate ovaries. They're horrible little sacs of satanic enmity.
That's the most poetic description of female anatomy I've ever heard.
HOW THE FUCK CAN YOU NOT REMEMBER WHIPPING IT OUT AND PUTTING ON THE BAR?
By the way, you're banned for life.
guess who got crunk and thought it would be a good idea to give herself a pixie cut?
THOUGHT
The 666th photo in my phone is of him and if that's not a sign that he's secretly the Antichrist, idk what is. Also, bring more rum.
Well I finally got to say all the things I wanted to say. Including telling him he looks like a naked mole rat
can we fuck so we can live up to our nicknames for eachother?
She woke up, peed in the sink and then passed out again, it's only 2 in the afternoon
He ate me out in the warehouse on a pallet of sunlight soap. I fucking love night shift!
Randomize
