so i texed my mom when i was trashed last night and said "i know its 3 am, just go to bed and i'll be back by the time we leave for the airport"
I felt like a body pillow being humped by a twelve year old.
I want a gay best friend. or apple sauce either one is fine with me
I just sneezed cum. He better have a damn good day at work.
The manager of the bar we were at the night before came to my house today giving me coupons. Apperently you and i won karaoke night which is a prize of 300 beer dollars. No idea what beer dollars means nor do i have any memory of doing karaoke but lets go back tonight.
Yeah I had to push her down the hallway to the hotel room in a luggage carrier. The guy at the desk told me goodluck
Hunting for men at chipotle... I feel like I should be more disappointed that this is the way my life is going but I'm really just excited for the potential.
It's amazing I mean I blew that senator just for him to deny me marriage.... Politics suck and he swallowed!
i wore just an American flag as my costume-huge success. 20 people pledged allegiance to my ass including a senior frat boy at the keg. God bless America.
We got to his house, cuddled while watching game of thrones, then fucked during the repeat airing.
But don't thank me for faking being asleep, if I was the real wing man, I would have left the bed
I don't know whether to be insulted or flattered that I am being propositioned to have a threesome only if I wear my cat onesie
New rule: if you don't think racism exists, you don't get to put your penis inside me.
This band has the most fuckable violin player I have ever seen.
sometimes you just have to listen to beyonce and cry. that's how life works
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