3:47a: I take it you're not on your way over
his prince albert piercing just severely cut the roof of my mouth. can you pick me up at the hospital if he drops me off?
Reach down the front of your pants and feel around for a while. When you find your balls, leave the library and meet me at the bar.
is there a reason why there is cup of piss in the fridge?
no
For future reference, the words 'big' and 'problem' should be used sparingly with a person whom you have recently had copious amounts of unprotected sex
Oh btw, my mom called... you made the police blotter in the newspaper. Don't worry, she's mailng me a copy so I can put in on the fridge.
malibu coconut giveth, and malibu coconut taketh away
Apparently you can talk a girl into leaving the bar and coming back to your tent, who knew?
I've replaced you with thin mints and masturbation
So I had sex in the woods today. Anything else that happened today? Irrelevant. It was a GOOD day.
I don't know if dry shampoo will fix the decisions we made last night.
You should not have followed "the guy who peed in my bed" with "he smells good."
I was on top for a full on make out when in dead silence "I'm moaning Myrtle" came from the TV. Moment ruined. I got cock blocked by a fictional ghost
Why thank you for your unwanted opinion, person I've never met before.
The whole country is going to hell in a handbasket but I got a grade A fucking and don't particularly care.
Randomize
