I woke up at 5am and he was watching me sleep... Come get meee!!??
There's too many weed/neon/felt Sublime posters in this room and someone just put on a Hunter S. Thompson movie. Save me, now.
and she's shaped like a lego person so that's not happening
So what if i ate it off the ground. Its like i found a five dollar bill just laying there, in burrito form.
Sorry about bonging beers with your mom but in all fairness you were late...
I feel like a blind man at a water park. Every step has the potential to be either fatal or lead to accidental, but totally enjoyable, sex.
Found my wallet. It was under my dresser with a note that said "good job you found me". Drunk me is an ass.
At this point I will cuddle anything to prevent from dying alone
I've decided to dedicate my life to finding out which flavor of Gatorade tastes best after you brush your teeth
I see your smile in the face of every drunk that senses he's about to slay a troll.
This is John, I met you downtown last night.
Oh, ok.
This is the cop that kept you out of trouble last night
Why is there uncooked bacon under my bed?
You insisted on taking it to bed with you. You grabbed it out of the fridge while mumbling "If I leave this out, you fuckers are just going to ruin it."
He's wearing my bra and eating a breadstick while jumping on our bed.....
I'm currently in a U-Haul truck right now. Going to a party. I hate myself.
just to let you know, that was probably the funniest text i've ever received.
I suppose that kind of helps fill the void where my self respect used to be.
are you really asking me this. do you KNOW how many times i masturbate in a day? yeah. wrong person to ask about romance.
Randomize
