Life Lesson Number 76: Masturbating into a sock is useless if there is a hole in it.
My mom is purposely blasting Shania Twain downstairs so I can't jack off.
Yea we slept in ur room but im 80% sure we didnt have any peanut butter in there
I recorded his orgasm, set it as his ringtone, and called him while they were singing happy birthday to his mom. Yeah, revenge is sweet.
The only difference is Iv never super glued straws to your nipples.
They're playing house music in my dentists office again, wtf is wrong with these people. That's not the music you want to get a root canal to
we managed to melt a few different forms of plastic into the cannibutter....
Human centipede...with the teletubbies. That's what my nightmare had in it.
I don't even want to know.
I just fell and sprained my ankle in the shower. No, I wasn't having sex. I was doing the time warp. Again.
Remember that time I came to London for 4 hours, got hammered, cried for an hour and then left.
Well obviously we have a ghost in the house who’s taking showers in your bathroom and doing our cocaine.
I woke up with pitch black feet and crushed doritos around my mouth. That's how I determined how my night went
Is it still sex if there's no nudity, no orgasms, but the neighbors bang on the wall and ask you to stop? I've honestly forgotten.
Look, if it comes down to it, I’m spraying whipped cream on your nuts
In celebration of finishing my homework, lets drink tea w/ vodka
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