she asked me if the dress made her look fat, i told her no - the fat made her look fat.
How long can I microwave pasta with a 20 percent alcohol content?
On the bright side I got 500 American Express points paying for the abortion
Showed up 2 hours late and still drunk nobody gave me a high five. This intership is bullshit.
My worst case scenario tonight is that I fuck a hot Swiss girl. Let that give you perspective on my life at the moment.
If you like her enough, bring her with. If not, eloquently cunt punt that bitch through the field goals of life.
You better wipe the dick of your lips before you come smoke this blunt.
Dude, you need to man up. You passed out before a PRESEASON game. It's a long season.
Is it bad that I've been making new friends through your vagina networking? I don't think so
No. Way more drunk than the night I put a snowball in my purse "for later" and woke up to find everything soaking the next day.
But less drunk than the day that Pete took four of your birth control pills thinking they were Advil, right?
I'm taking a pole dancing class this morning. Can I put you down as my emergency contact? I'm NOT putting my mother
I think the fact that I stole someone's mail and broke my big toe means that I should consider taking some time away from vodka
He called me kiddo. We can't have sex
I wanted to say "you're a souless cunt" but in a nice way. So I added a smiley face.
WHY ARE THE COPS ALWAYS AT DENNYS WHEN IMDRUNK!?
Randomize
