You need to stop texting me at SEVEN in the morning. It wakes my one night stands up and makes for the awkward talk way too early.
i walked in and you were spoon feeding your sister grape juice out of a tupperware.
She said, and I quote "how do you run with something that big between your legs".
He was banging holes in the kitchen wall with pots. They tried to pull him away but only managed to pants him. He kept "drumming".
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Her grandmother had a handicap stair lift. I just put her drunk ass on it and let her ride it up. Thank God for broken hips.
The instructions say refer to specific course material, but I'm in no mood to reopen this awful book that caused me so many lost hours of drinking.
Yeah FUCK THAT NOISE
How are you not embarrassed to know me. I'm a mess right now. I'm a walking, talking tornado of embarrassment
He simply fell in the fire, rolled out and continued to finish his bottle of vodka. Everyone else instantly sobered up just watching it.
I farted in his bed and then in my drunken stupor grabbed hair defanging spray to cover up the stench.
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He fell asleep cradling my ass and every time I moved he adjusted his hand accordingly. I've found the one.
I'm gonna play eenie meenie at the bar tonight because it's women's day and I deserve the dick
So vagazzling was a success
Crawl out into the sunshine and off your vibrator for 7 minutes
Ah you cut my boxers off with scissors, we're way past introductions
I just tried to dye my pubic hair teal for her
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