Last night was an abortion. I might need a publicist.
I told my ex i loved him and then he sent me a picture of this girl laying on his bed.
I am so getting Plan B when we get home. Not getting knocked up by a dude with a hair piece.
couldnt find a condom. used a surgical glove instead. actually worked and the sex was great. thanks nursing school
No.. It's totally over.. He deleted the poke I sent him.. That makes it official.
WTF WHY ARE YOU STILL NOT DOING A BEER BONG?! THE TOILET CLOG CAN WAIT
It was cool in an 'oh shit I'm gonna get arrested' way.
I guarantee that wasn't the first penis someone placed on her forehead.
You know you're old when tea and a hot bath are more appealing than beer pong with lesbians.
I think I hit my head on every surface in that apartment last night
This is my gift to your gina
You have ruined sex with him for me. Now all I think is "boy scout" and I want to go home
He also has scotch. LOTS AND LOTS of scotch. I think you'd like him!
That is always a wonderful personality trait!
Its okay I found my bra. ...it was on your cat. I wont ask questions.
I don't have a cat..?
And on the way out from Applebee's he tried to take the basket of toothpicks claiming he was using them as a tax write off. Last time I babysit my dad on thirsty Thursday.
Randomize
