like if someone fucked a dictionary but instead of having a penis, it was just one of those leap frog educational toys
I hope to god you are high
epic walk of shame this morning involving 2 subway transfers. I need to start sexing locally.
I want to frame my negative pregnancy test.
The timing couldn't have been better if I planned it. His mom walked away, I vomited in their mulch, and then his mom came back and offered me bread.
we're going to drop off one of our cars at the police station tonight so we'll be able to drive home in the morning
Well, I plan on starting the night dressed as little red riding hood. Then I plan on finishing the night dressed as a shit show in a red cape.
uh, 3 redbulls and 400mg of caffeine pills and i still feel like life is in slowmotion..lets not take tranquilizers again.
my grandpa is going down the line on this prom picture, and telling me how big everyone's nipples are... he was spot on for me.
Just got discharged from the hospital after getting my finger stitched back together don't you dare say you had a worse night than me
I'm usually good at keeping a straight face, but not while singing a ballad to a stranger in a bathroom.
COVER ME IN BACON THATS MY FETISH
ACTUALLY ITS NOT, I HAVE NO FUCKING IDEA WHAT AWAKENS THE MONSTER BELOW THE BELT
I'm having shoppers remorse over a dildo
i can believe you didnt get any, i was wing-girling the shit out of him
all you did was repeatedly scream GET IT IN
Gonna try and have sex in the empire state bldg, will tell you how it goes
So, looks like I managed to leave my bra in the boardroom after all the sex. FML.
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