also i tucked his toothbrush in my shirt. why? i dont know.
I just threw up on my dentist
I was speaking french the whole night. Until i got arrested. Then I decided I should probably start speaking English.
im drinking italian dressing and watching dexter. its 230am. lets never drink on sundays again.
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Shared a jello shot with her mom last night. then she tucked me in and took of my shoes for me
I was wondering if I fell or perhaps got hit by a truck, then I remembered, it's cause I did a splits contest at the bar
I think I just used lyrics from the Sister Sister theme song to let a guy down easy...
I'm pretty sure they kept making references about gangbanging me but I was too stoned to catch on, I just sat there and stared at his kitten.
Um ... did I have a lizard on my shoulder last night at the bar?
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I'm trying to find a fanny pack so I can bring pizza on my run
I'm glad you enjoyed the night but why were you calling me "daddy"?
Business idea: assless chaps for toddlers. I'm high.
Pumped to get "pass out-wake up in Berlin-buy a chinchilla" drunk?
Dude, the T Swift concert might not be so bad after all. Can you say milfs living vicariously through their teenage daughters? Score.
Let's make a rule now, to not smoke weed out of our trumpets. After tonight.
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