If you don't answer the phone then I will be forced to leave you a wonderful voicemail of me throwing up
just accidentally masturbated with tiger balm. best. accident. ever.
Iiiiiii almost fall ib the lake
why are there post-it notes all around the apartment labeled where you guys had sex and in what position
21 People Tragically Stumbled Upon A Dead Body
At one point you starting double fisting oreos in your mouth confused about how you got out of the car
The cab driver thought we were passed out so he called a sexline...
Watching the tv in the reflection of my phone cause I'm too hungover to roll over.... Yes it is 4 PM...
Until then we have the self affirmation from retweets and nights alone with pizza..
I'm going to have to start playing roller derby again so I can blame my sex-related bruises on that.
27 Socially Expected Things That Are The Absolute Worst
That doesn't mean I'm a slut. Unless McFlurries are involved.
I will rub McFlurries all over you.
The owner of this phone is no longer accepting texts from liars, assholes or married men. You figure out which one applies.
Alls I remember is making out with that chick.
Nope that was a dude
GOD DAMMIT TARYN WHY DO WE ALWAYS HAVE TO ROB PLACES IN OUR FUTURE PLANS?!
We peed together in a dark alley while holding hands. That is a bond that can never be broken.
We fired a shoe out of a medieval cannon. I know not where we got either one.