He just spent five minutes trying to sling shot a cheese-it off his dick and into my mouth.
Our hot neighbor just came over and asked for a toilet plunger...not so hot anymore
why do cheetos always look like penises
I just told my boyfriend I think I might be pregnant using Emoji icons....
which icon did you use to tell him he's not the father?
Dating After Heartbreak
Pretty sure I left lotion and my bra in your car. I've secured your fathers belief that your straight. You can thank me later
I tried to tell him I love him but it came out something like "We're both fucked up and it works."
How bad does the situation have to be before its ok to attempt 'catastrophic event sex'?
Why do i feel like Captain Hook just gave me a pap smear?
Well. I went to a frat party where they mixed gin and Mountain Dew. My kingdom for some olives and vermouth.
These Images Prove Chrissy Teigen is the Funniest Model Alive
It's Christmas, you should know what a virgin is.
If you kill yourself you won't get to feel that feeling when you have a good shit in the morning. Arent you gonna miss that?
He serenaded me a cappella to Ed Sheeran. I wasn't going to leave his dick unsucked.
Kinda hard to look your partner in the face the day after a rousing game of How Many Ways Can I Capture Your Penis.
i now understand why vodka
The one that slept in my truck and you peed in his face?