We agreed on being friends w/ benefits. Lets see if that really happens.
Ok, so that was not supposed to go to u, my bad. I feel horrible.
He threw up over the balcony and blamed it on an invisible garden gnome.
Oscar is the man. He keeps getting pictures of hot nude women with messages in spanish saying "i hope you like it" sent to his phone
the baller who i guess decided to give out a fake number at the bar last weekend. luckily that fake number was mine. i have enough porn to last me until next month.
i'm not the one sitting naked in my room playing with my boobs and a cat.
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After I threw him out he walked down the street peeing in stride. I almost wanted to let him back in.
I woke up and someone had put toast at my feet. I was SO. HAPPY.
I'm making presurgery martini's. You need to be here.
In mid-threesome, need more condoms. Wearing a sheet to the gas station. I'll keep you posted
it is a toga and you are a goddess.
I just want to jump into a ballpool of dicks now.
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hey, you wanna get together over coffee or something?
is this code for 'i just got broke up with and i need a sympathy dicking'?
how did you know?
That edible kicked in right as I was upside-down on that rollercoaster. Fucking.mind.blown.
Xanax and full house Tuesday is now Percocet Sunday
That went from 0 to lesbian orgy much faster than expected...
Have you forgotten that this whole sexy cop role play started with a comment about my mom?
I think when your throwing up on the highway on the way to pick up your mom from the airport is a sign to slow down.