Flying into Chicago for a few days, getting re-deployed in September, we should probably fuck
Kristina got the same text from you just now, she's sitting next to me, how many people did you send this to?
he whipped it out and it smelt like my toilet after taco Tuesday
Whats the opposite of morning wood? Whatever its called, everyone saw it when it fell out.
So there's dick imprints in the peanut butter
throwing up in the shower isnt as glamorous as i expected
since when the fuck is that glamorous?
Hey just wanted to let you know my nose is broken and I have a fractured wrist. I told you it wasn't a slip and slide.
Dude I didn't think you'd do it. I mean come on, who puts a slip and slide on their driveway?
you don't know what its like to have your bartender tell you that you owe him beer money infront of your mother at 3pm on a tuesday
You're just jealous because you lost me and I ended up at another party licking Marshmallow Fluff bikinis off of lesbians.
I was wondering, is there any way to hook up a lawn hose to a keg?
Mom just sent me an email. The subject line is "How to avoid a urinary tract infection"
LET IT GO MOM
I think the biggest problem with being overhigh is when the kitchen was on fire and I was pointing and laughing and eating rootbeer oreos like it was fucking Ozzfest 2000
mom how many of the songs from my childhood are mexican drinking songs?
all of them.
It's 5AM and I just stirred weed butter into ramen noodles. This is not where I expected to be at 30. ...But, hey, getting high off noodles.
you were walking down the sidewalk and just puked. didnt even stop or slow down and just kept going. i was so impressed i didnt even tell anyone you threw up on passing peoples shoes.
Grabbed the cop's ass and he still arrested Heather instead. Victory is mine!!
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