Did you call me this morning? I was really drugged up and don't remember.
Have a good day. My vagina shrank.
He saved me in his phone as Easy Jen. Should I be offended?
I wouldn't worry about it. He has me as "Sex Puppet."
I have found the one flaw to the great pride I took as a guy to not have to sit down to pee...having to sneeze while peeing.
I almost hooked up with this girl last night. she had a tattoo of a cardinal next to her cooter. said it reminded her of her grandpa
We fish bowled my car and anna told us a story about time travel and part of it had people melted into the side of a boat and i imagined them being melted into my car moaning in pain and then we got scared and thought zombies were outside and couldn't leave for a while.
too bad being hungover isnt a job. just threw up from 9am to 5pm
At what point in time did you think it was ok to jizz in my hair while I slept??
Around the time you told me my brothers dick was bigger.
She said she couldn't find my penis because my arm was in the way. That was my penis
Every man deserves at least one moment like that
They walked in to the store, ripped up the phone book, and left. Can we get on their level?
I should work for the FBI. Or planned parenthood.
That's quite a broad spectrum. What did you do?
Telling the family you're going for a run, getting dressed in workout clothes, and then walking halfway around the block and smoking a joint. This is my life
.... I'm on a random couch somewhere in Newark wrapped in a Lightning McQueen blanket
I think my FWB just broke up with me and i don't know how I feel about that
I'm laying in bed cuddling with my teddy bear and eating waffles. I need a fucking boyfriend
I never thought I'd be on my couch watching Star Trek, getting my tits rubbed while crying.
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