tod's in jail
he was afraid of holiday checkpoints so we let him ride my mom's tandem bike home. by himself. at 4 am.
I kissed a girl and did not like it. Now I hate Katy Perry even more.
Dude!! Mom just asked me why you have 'boobies' hahaha
I hate my life
Been drinkin since 3, wearing a tutu, how could things go wrong
Just saw a british exchange student take a flyer for free dental care. Yes.
So apparently when I was 2, I went around drinking everybody's beer at some wedding, then passed out in a corner....
This explains a lot.
You threw a bunch of trashcans into the middle of the street and nothing happened. I fell on one car and suddenly there were cops everywhere...
If you invite me to a bar tonight my liver will kick you in the testicles
I've already reverted to sweat pants. And lonely drinking.
You'd be amazed at how difficult it is to find pics of the helicopter dick
I am very proud of your internet skills
Would you judge me if I made John grow a bush while he is in Cancun so he doesn't cheat on me?
well one of us has to be wrong and it's not going to be me
To drink from my fkask next to a cop car or to not drink from my flask next to a cop car
But we only had three ninja turtles. So everyone that would ask us where Donatello was, we would say "what? He's gone? Shredder is at it again!"
He asked when the last time I had sex was. I had to look at the clock and respond "12 hours ago"
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