Everyone knows that the fastest route to a corporate advancement is to take a shot in the mouth
i broke up with my boyfriend last night because i had to eat a freezy pop in every color and he ate the last blue one. i sat on the floor and cried for an hour at least. everyone left. so i decided that this whole weed thing isnt really healthy for my relationships.
you were carrying a trash bag around insisting it was your purse. I'll let you guess how your night went
At least drunk you showered before switching sex partners last night.
I just need to go to a bar tonight wrapped in an American flag singing the national anthem
Yeah. I was about to call 911 but I ended up breaking the door frame off then ran and puked all the way home.
He kept humping my leg and whispering "dont worry, thats my phone not my penis"
We were fucking while the tv was on, and one of those animal cruelty commercials came on. We then switched over and started doing it doggy style. It was then that I realized that I'm going to hell.
Is it counter productive to ride on my exercise bike with a cocktail in hand?
I woke up with a thorn in my belly button. A THORN!
So the dog chewed my vibrator last night. It added a nice new texture actually.
I'll say this one last time. You are TWENTY FIVE YEARS OLD. You are not going to die alone and this is not the twilight of your life. Stop taking shrooms on your period!!!!
Its a shame I cant put 'bomb ass head game' on my resume.
Was make out with a 38 year old lesbian on our bucket list? if it was you can go ahead and cross that one off.
Her blowjob technique? Picture someone attempting to drink a triple thick milkshake through a Capri Sun straw.
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