there is a homeless man oan crack poledancing on a fence... now hes humping it...
why does my vagina smell like weed?
omg thats a great idea
Thank God they found balloon boy, I was afraid that Michael Jackson was ordering take out from heaven.
you have to give me like a days notice for these kinds of things, you cant just call at 9 am and expect me to be sober
For Halloween this year I'm gonna go as Angelina from Jersey Shore. I'm gonna yell "umm HELLO?!," cockblock someone, then leave the party early
He confessed to putting dry erase marker dots on my vibrator to keep track of when I "electronically cheated" and then passed out.
there's a girl in the coffee shop just eating a pint of ben & jerry's
SMART GIRL
They wear helmets and mouth pieces when they drink...u down?
so when our kids ask "when did you know you loved mommy?" you're gonna say "when she sent me emoticons about slobbing on my knob?"
how many times have i told you.. they dont like when you laugh during sex
I had a dream last night you were Aladdin. I think due to me watching 6 hours of Disney movies and the fact you told me you were wearing a vest.
Dreams are coming true for both of us.
I need a good cry or an orgasm and neither of them are gonna happen to me and i'm so frustrated
My bookbag can hold 30+ beers. They shoulda put that on the tag bc its a big selling point
Honestly his girlfriend says she hates me cause she thinks im trying to get him to cheat on her with me...she should hate me cause i already accomplished that.
Let's do something tonight. I feel like setting things on fire.
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