things that need to be invented #43: vodka that also acts as birth control.
I think I've hugged the toilet more times than I've hugged my own family members.
It feels wrong to have dick mouth at a family dinner.
underwater hpnotiq shots? sure why not.
I'm on my "fiiiiirrrst" glass of wine- the quotes mean it's the last of the bottle- so I really need you to pick up your phone so we can talk about this
he ate me out on his front porch at dawn. i orgasmed when the sun began to rise. most romantic morning booty call ever.
I think it's god's punishment for my behavior in Vegas . Lies were told. Angels were defiled. Pools were pissed in
I just want to fall into a pit of xannies and eat my way out.
"Masturbate" is an actual item on an actual ToDo list of mine. It is at the top.
So besides your brother walking in on you shaving and singing "I'm gonna get asssss" how was your night
Like who turns down taking a nap inside of someone in 2014.
I thought I was at a rave until the paramedics started chasing me. You win again tequila.
Things change once you put a ring on it. 5 years ago if I had morning wood she would have gone nympho on that. Now I am just lucky if she touches it rolling when we sleep.
I’m photoshopping my boobs to up my Tinder game. I need better dick in 2020
I just want a man in my bed on a regular basis, who cuddles, and who I can also occasionally hang out with outside of my bedroom. Is that too much to ask for?
Randomize
