Just come over and take your pants off. 35 mins tops. You'll be home before midnight cinderella
Can I use you as a job reference? Don't tell them i got you fired cause I banged you tho
hey tell your friend im sorry for licking his mouth, that was probably inappropriate
We definitely need to avoid these "I'm gonna get stabbed if I stay here any longer" partys
You kept trying to use my cat as a napkin.
you were crying saying "if you love me you will find me a loaf of bread"
The packers need to win more often, Andrew keeps drunk calling me and confessing his undying love for me in between puking and taking more shots.
My code for I need help will be if I'm holding a bud light lime..
I just rode a horse than walked onto my property in boarshorts, flip flops, and holding a 40. What do I win?
Go to the bar. Find a girl. Ask if she can cook. Tell her you have a guitar at home. Ask her if she wants to see it. Bring her home. Sleep with her. Tell her it's your birthday in the morning. Enjoy your made with lust breakfast.
I accused the cab driver of smoking weed in the taxi then I remember it was me.
Someone needs to lock me in a chastity belt because all my vagina does is get me into trouble. Fuck.
Not bad. Ran into Carlo. He shared a story about a sailor who got gonorrhea in his eye. It made me feel better about myself.
I feel like a grown up and it scares me so I'm hiding out in the bathroom stall and messaging you
He is obviously into the really short sex we have.
Randomize
