i grabbed his hand and told him i loved him and then he looked down and said "i love...mallomars" and shoved like three in his mouth. never been so embarrassed.
Good thing you didnt wake up last night. Wouldve found me naked talking to my closet asking to borrow my towel.
Tell her you can forgive her unacceptable behavior because her dad and his dog weren't married when they conceived her.
he's the only person i know who can drink himself into and out of alcohol poisoning.
Uggh answer your phone, you are the only one I know who'll be proud of what I woke up next to this morning .
Rode my bike to work still drunk. Almost threw up on a camper while getting him out of his parents car.
This old guy just saw me toking on my bubbler before I go to the dentist. He gave me the nod.
I want to figure out a way to work "if you suddenly die, I might turn into an extreme hoarders" into my valentines day poem
I was scared I had HIV after last time so I'm not gonna do it again
But he was really hot
Glad you don't have HIV
Just had ice cream and a blow job come together in one glorious, defining moment.
He ate me out while Space Jam was on. My life is complete.
Bro I needs to be rescued in 30 mins...prfeebly someone died in a car accident needs to be the excuse
I found a new button on my vibrator, tonight was a success
She has no problem going ass to mouth, but won't eat the pizza crust. I don't get it.
So was this before or after he cried about trump?
After
Randomize
