i broke my thumb. i no longer have 2 opposable thumbs. i'm sub-human. i love vicodin.
she asked me what the final straw was. i had to tell her i caught him jerking off to digimon porn. i don't know what i'm more upset by, that he was masturbating to cartoons, or that he was masturbating to sub-par cartoons
despite contrary belief, getting peanut butter off your balls is not as easy as it sounds
Be still, my beating vagina.
I'm on my fifth cocktail in twenty minutes. I don't think I will end this on two legs.
I'm the fucking queen of sexting. I just made a blowjob sound so poetic I'm wishing I were a guy just so I could blow me. Learn from me.
We had sex on a lawn chair while fireworks were going off last night. It was unavoidable that I got mosquito bites all over my ass
I woke up in a bath tub and my face was sore and it wasn't because of you, I was impressed
I mean I did fuck her boyfriend, the least I could do is post happy birthday on her Facebook wall.
I'm really sorry I bit your mom last night, it was completely uncalled for.
For a second I thought he was going to give me an intervention
You can't give interventions in a bar!
Right before he dumped me... he got a really ugly pair of pants. They were twill pants. A pinkish color. When I'm sad... I picture him in them. It makes me smile.
I'm at the fucking ritz Carlton and I would leave here to cuddle with her. Not even fuck, just cuddle. What th hell is wrong with me?
I think it's called love, bro
if my 20s were a chapter in my autobiography, it would be called "the room is spinning and my hands smell like dick"
You remember my neighbor with the perfect ass? It's even better in assless chaps.
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