My mom gets in bar fights. She doesn't go to bed early.
I just shaved my legs while pooping. classy or trashy?
talent.
Haha so I huess that means he's a little over 7. I can use my throat as a ruler!!
One less school supply you need to buy!!
he woke up with $200 in his pocket and had to buy his cell phone back from a hobo at the bus stop.
Just finished my quantum homework in ladies room writing with eyeliner. I am the party/physics champion.
It's supposed to be a shit show, it's an end of the world party.
Definitely but only if you hit on the 16 year old in the karate class as part of your waffle and gin fueled sexually deprived rage.
Did you miss the part about my hangover needing a day to rest?
Another beautiful Sunday, another beautiful day the stick is not positive. Amen.
I should probably stop recommending my dentist to the different guys I'm seeing. That could be awkward in the future.
Why is there cereal literally EVERYWHERE?
It didn't follow directions.
Is it a bad sign starting the new year off naked, wet, and alone?
Asking for a friend of course
My disney ticket is covered in lube, do you think they will accept it?
besides the unzipped fly, the black eye and the toilet paper on your shoe you looked really sexy today baby!
I had such a bad bruise on my knees from blowing him so much, he asked if he could sign it...
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