so I called to to smoke and you didn't pick up so I smoked and now I'm a race car
She's licking the seat belt now. Feeling a little uncomfortable
When the cops came you just told them you'd go to your time out corner.
he said he has something really important to tell me but isn't ready yet. It's either that he loves me or has herpes
I just realized I consumed seven different types of alcohol this weekend. And I'm only counting jungle juice as one of those. How the fuck did I not die?
He said I could liberate his beef and all I could think about was how I don't eat veal for political reasons.
We play beat the clock every morning. When the alarm goes off, she hits snooze and drops her panties. If I can't finish in time to beat the snooze, she jumps in the shower and I've gotta jerk off.
There are Vine videos that have lasted longer than he did
I am drinking fireball and apple juice out of a sippy cup like a fucking toddler.
Just fyi there is a naked girl somewhere in your house. I woke up and she was gone, definitely left her clothes tho
You were sitting in a chair and you said "I just feel like a little fishy, floooooating through the ocean, so pretty"
So yeah, my old kindergarten teacher just asked me who gave me the hickies on me neck.
I showed up to a job interview wearing two different shoes. If that's not an omen, I don't know what is.
I realize my mistake but don't you dare school me in cock, young man
Can I just go naked and covered in glitter?
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