im pretty sure i just dented her unborn child.
he just invited me over for the 3 p's...pepsi pizza and porn...I'm gonna marry him
When she showed me how she could touch her toes without bending her knees, suddenly her face didn't worry me quite as much.
she definitely blew him on the riverbank, some lady floated past and said "have some pride honey", amazingly awkward
I swear this guy grew up in land without leagues. someone should inform him he's way out of mine
I'll be a little late, "getting ready for the party" turned into "smoking a bowl and doing lines in my room for an hour and a half." But I'm on my way now. With coke. And weed.
I have your car and your sandals. My shoes are somewhere under the puke couch. Safari time.
Accidentally gagged on my toothbrush and puked up a Walgreen's cheeseburger. 1) I am not going to be on top of my game tonight. 2) Since when do I have a gag reflex? 3) Walgreen's cheeseburgers are awesome.
Man my junk looks like a mangled grapefruit right now, this shit sucks.
And then I cried about the Cubs for a half hour. If my dignity hadn't already been lost by that point in the night, it sure as hell was then.
Ya. My thumbs are those buffalo's, but my legs are spirits and my torso is that Indian guys and my head is the eagle
Something about finishing sexting a guy and him going "well. I have to get ready for Passover now" really makes me rethink my life choices
Also, my guy said they would be around. And i clarified that when I asked him for mushrooms he didn't hear "a mushroom or two" but rather understood I meant "all the mushrooms you can find between now and 4th of July."
Just discovered I was so fucked up last night I called in sick to work... TWICE
God yes pancakes and booze sounds like the best night ever.
Randomize
