I wish the health center treadmills counted beers burned not calories
omg. he's a virgin strip club employee who's going to college on a ping pong scholarship. this is unreal.
Dontating $10 to the Red Cross relief effort in Japan for every car bomb I take tomorrow. Yes, buying me a drink just became a good cause.
Dude, all I remember was you grabbing random girls, yelling "It's a rap video!" and pouring high-life on them.
Okay now that I've been wanting to eat these hot cheetos in the bathroom, I know it's time I need to stop smoking and go to sleep.
You told him about your cats? I told his friend to put his dick in my mouth, and you talked about cats!?
Before we have sex for the first time I would like "eye of the tiger" to be playing to mentally prepare me for what I'm about to endure.
She rode me like a jockey on that tiny couch. Then we spooned.
How am I supposed to buy weed and pancake mix when it's raining?
They're giving you narcotics aren't they?
If I offered to share would you come visit me?
A girl in McDonalds just asked if I was in here wasted a few nights ago throwing fries at the staff, I said it was my twin
We both know that wasn't me
Apparently I told him the people made me order taco bell I didn't even want it. And then proceeded to turn off all the lights and sit at the kitchen table in the dark and told him not to look at me.
I’m traumatised. Bring vodka and condoms.
Any chance he has an open marriage? That penis shouldn’t be wasted on one woman. It should be shared with all womankind, or at least me. I’m too good at sex to be deprived a penis that large
Here's a rundown of my night alone. Danced my ass off in the kitchen to FleetmacWood. Drank a little bit. Ordered $40 worth of Chinese food once the drinks kicked in. Picked up said Chinese in dirty sweatpants and slippers. #livinglife
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