Jerry, you need to find god
Dude I just picked up a married chick while her husband was playing pool.
What do you mean you picked her up? How are you gonna leave the bar?
I didn't. I fucked her in the men's room. Come get me before he finds out.
I went to moterboat her and I started laughing, so I just kinda blew on them... I think I'm gona call that move the sailboat.
everytime someone would look at you, you started to try and deep throat your beer bottle.
My motherly instincts are overcoming my slutty ones
We need to stop sleeping with people based on which NFL team they like.
Drunkasaurus has found a new cave to eat all the children she captured
I need to get you away from Bacardi 151 and out from under the bed
Question: would Brian be pissed if I brought his 17 year old sister as my date to the wedding?
He motorboated me, gave me a business card that said congratulations on my motorboat, then disappeared into the night.
Find him and marry him.
Almost bit the guy's hand who sits in front of me because he was stretching. That. Bored.
Seriously. Texted me 4 times and that didn't wake me up so he nicely called and left a voicemail saying he WOULD call me 8 times. So when he called back I answered.
I got my dick out in a gay bar for just one free shot. I didn't know I could be bought so cheap
So I sent him a snap of me half naked holding a pie last night.
I have a guy for practically everything... except for making me waffles on demand. will u be my waffle guy?
If you ever tell anyone I offered you boob squeezes for cheetos, I'll kill you
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