I'm gonna cuddle the shit out of you tomorrow
Did you put 9lbs of birdseed all over my car?
You weighed it?
how do you tell a roommate that having sex on your bottom bunk is not appropriate even if she has a top bunk that's hard to climb to?
I never said you were fat, just too fat for ME
i need you to recap everything for me beyond "i think i'm gonna try vodka-pong"
you knoww youre high when you are just as concerned as the contestants on ultimate cake off as they move their 250 lbs cake over the ramp
I don't make the first move. Ever. Unless were playing monopoly cause that's my shit
Remind me to switch to jello when you decide to do shots off my ass. It's so much easier to clean than this pudding.
sleeping in bed with your booty calls married sister...you're the stuff heroes are made of.
We've been walking through the woods for two hours, he just keeps taking pictures. At least we'll remember this tomorrow.
What does it say about my expectations if I'm pounding three beers the hour before a date?
Got robbed by an ATM. My weekend officially sucks.
How do I convince my friend not to get tattoo tributes to her cats?
WHO DOES THAT
I told her it'd send up tons of red flags and she responded by telling me they're her babies. And she's sober.
I love him about as much as I'd love fucking myself with a cactus.
You are talking to me during sexting hours. Be careful, innuendos are taken seriously
Randomize
