you would think someone who fights for his country could fight to last longer than 2 minutes
i DID NOT walk around with my knees bent and my hands behind my back with long spandex and underarmour pretending to be Apollo Ono
weed salsa. i deserve a nobel prize
WHAT THE FUCK. SUCH A BAD IDEA. YOU'RE NO LONGER IN CHARGE OF NOSE SUBSTANCES.
I'm supposed to be maturing, but no instead I'll be shitting my pants in Delaware for my 30th.
Hahahaha nah you won't shit your pants - but you will fully try mushrooms.
My boobs are numb because I've been using them as stress balls
well that's what you get for sleeping with a guy called 'the defiler'
I just spent the better half of my Friday night alone, naked eating McDonalds. Not my worst start of a new year
The amount of drunk I'm going to get tonight will be somewhere between Jim lahey and bojack horseman
Maybe it’s too soon to casually tell the boss that I went to Tulsa for some dick last night
probably because i sent a bunch of guys a snap saying happy one year to my nipple piercings
He put your tit in his mouth. Professionalism is out the window after that.
okay valid
We really gotta wear capes to the bar more often...
Broken heels while double fisting margaritas, picking up shirtless, bloody men and escorting them out of harms way, the meltdown when I realized I can go without a bra bc my boobs shrunk, the morning vodka red bull you were forced to drink? Which one roped you in?
idk but im stoned n hiding in the bathroom from my kids with a really big bowl of really little candy bars
Randomize
