how the fuck am i supposed to make breakfast with spaghettios and mustard
Oh my god. Just had sex with this girl on the boardroom table at my work at midnight (win!) just realized I left the condom wrapper on the table (lose!)
Just found out I have to work new year's eve. It's like one final 'fuck you' from 2009.
i've noticed that whenever i have to ask myself "would i be doing this if i was sober?" the answer is probably no.
She had to leave early so she could get ready for her high school's homecoming. I hope her date likes sloppy seconds.
There is a pink thong attached to a bottle of svedka hanging from my ceiling fan..is this yours?
I really hope jumping jacks prevent pregancy because I'm kind of banking on it right now, do you know why there's a unicycle in the corner of my room?
Dude next time u fuck on our counters will u please let me know BEFORE I make lunch.
I'M WORRY THAT MY VAGINA WILL NEVER KNOW THE TOUCH OF A MAN AND YOU ARE MAKING A MIXTAPE
I didn't pop out of a cake in a speedo with diagrams
In case that's what u were picturing
yeah im watching him make his speech now. cant take him seriously tho. hes talking about funding for education and all i can think about is how ive seen what he looks like wearing womens underwear...
I don't really feel bad about it, but I legit just squirted in the back of an Uber and it makes me think how many times has this happened before?!?!
I feel like I smell like bad decisions
We had everything under control until this one jackass fucked up. Thanks, Peter.
You really do take on your dog's personality she sounded like her pug breathing when we were going at it.
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