that thing about your dad's boner was meant to be a compliment
okay im going to go eat, shower and find underwear... call if you want.... but ill be listenig to glee VERY loudly.
We should be flying into LAX instead so when we land I can turn to the right and see the Hollywood sign
You can't even see the fuckin Hollywood sign from LAX. guess she never got the memo
Just saw a cop issuing a DUI. At 3 pm. It's definitely the start of winter break.
Two words Indian burn...
What did she think it was, a shake weight?
I'm ready for this little girl to leave so I can hit the bong already
As punishment for throwing up on my car, I am holding your phone hostage until the morning. You can read this message after I drop it off.
I cannot take someone's straight and gay virginity in one threesome. It's just too much responsibility.
No, no. The rest of his everything inspires me to put his dick in my mouth
I hear the sound of that stray bird you rescued from the kitchen but am too busy drunkenly masturbating to feed it
THIS TIME TOMORROW MY VAG IS GONNA BE BRAND SPANKING NEW.
I did a kegel this morning to determine if I had been penetrated during last night's blackout. Nope.
You squatted and peed on the living room floor while maintaining eye contact with Sebastian
Well he waved at me as he was leaving so he def noticed the staring, and by staring i mean blatant eye fucking from across the bar..
Hey. Did I get punched in the face last night?
Yeah. I told you I would and you didn't believe me.
Randomize
