the nicest thing hes ever said to me is give me head.......please
i wish there were pregnant emoticons
I just found glass in my funny face pancakes, there's nothing funny about that.
ugh. my soul tastes like vodka
Judging by the grocery store, everyone stocked up on frozen pizza and beer for the blizzard. If our generation ever faces doomsday, we'll go out smiling.
he must have thought the song was "ejacuate on the dance floor"
I'm at the grocery store buying monistat and corn nuts. thank god for self check out.
To put it in a frame of reference with which you're familiar, it was like making out with a golden retriever.
gay flight attendant. racoons. kegels. bartender with missing teeth. too many birthdays. fucckk.
I woke up and took my shirt off, and there was what I was assume to be pieces of tree in my chest hair. Any ideas about that one?
Celebrating landing my dream job by watching zombie movies and drinking free booze in the bath. I'm like 90% sure I just won life.
Really, who hasn't had sex on your bed?
ME.
Why were u walkin around mc with a toilet bowl lid handcuffed to u and carrying a stuffed Teddy bear last night?
I hummed the theme from jaws while she was taking the pregnancy test....needless to say she was not pleased
what did we do after we left your crib?
you layed down in some rocks for about an hour, you stole some pumpkins, you passed out and started shaking, we got t-bell, we took you back to the dorm.
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