the cashier wished me a happy fathers day while i bought condoms
So remember when i bet you that girl uses dick to validate her existence?
...yea
She's valid.
Just tried to tap morse code on the wall seperating our beds to tell you I was awake and ready to smoke
how did he go about obtaining bull sperm?
That was around the time you tried to kick me out for being rude to your fish.
Fell down a spiral staircase. Et tu vodka. Et tu.
who dressed up as a cop at your party???
idk I have to check. Why?
he gave me the best strip search of my life. FIND HIM.
Come in your red robin gear. If you smell like French fries we can make love.
That's the fall semester you first snorted drugs off my ass I think
Also this guy fingered me at the bar and then gave me his card
She went to her drug test stoned.
And strangely enough, we all know she'll pass it.
The guy got mobbed on, all hell broke loose. About 20 cops showed up, and this kid somehow convinced a cop that letting him pee in front of him is justifiable. This guy could sweet talk Hellen Keller, he was THAT good
my mom just came into my room and handed me a news paper article about women on the verge of a drinking problem... i can already tell its not about to be sunday funday
I think the cop who arrested me yesterday is at my gym rn should I say hi
How drunk were you? in an effort to seduce him, you demonstrated your lap dance skillz on his dog.
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