dude...i just woke up in ****'s bed!
doesn't he have a girlfriend???
yeah...who do you think woke us up...
We fucked twice, I went to the bathroom to freshen up, and came back to him playing "Your Body is A Wonderland" on his guitar naked in my bed.
Seeing a catheter being inserted into a penis severely diminished my sex life
He is now the second fuck buddy that i have met by walking up and grinding on him. My ass is so much more productive than dating
Things I had in my bed when I woke up: an avocado, a toilet brush, and a note that says thanks but no thanks with the number of taco bell on it. WHAT DID I DRINK?
I just debated creating a mirror system so I could play Batman while in the bathroom. I think I need help.
I already knew that. But I also don't agree with stifling creativity.
Is there a special protocol when the stripper has a Boba Fett tattoo?
I just spent an hour in the shower pretending I was a member of the b-52's. I can't go to work like this
WHY AM I CRAWLING IN OLDER MEN HOLY JESUS
I almost got on a bus to Langley Air Force Base. 99% sure that's not where I wanna be.
I couldn't find a lighter, so I smoked a bowl with a birthday candle.
My boobs are numb because I've been using them as stress balls
Whatever you have to do, STALL THEM. Your toothbrush is in the kitchen, my pants are on the balcony, and I don't have eyebrows.
Like people might wonder why I put up with your puns. You give good head and play with my hair
He shit in the fireplace
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