Why did u sent me a picture of a dead horse?
i could hear you having sex and was jealous, wanted to kill the mood
I owe all of my success to double stuf oreos and weed.
when i told him i was pregnant with his baby he texted me 'congradulations'
i pity the fetus.
Dude I totally just watched a girl put a tampon soaked in vodka up her vag
I need new friends
bet u 5 dollars u can't guess were i woke up this morning
oh god.. jail?
better, on the catwalk of the auditorium
How do you politely bring up someone's criminal record?
you were cooking a hot pocket with a grill lighter what did you want me to do
when you tell me you got me a birthday present, I have to assume it will show up in a drug test.
They play video games, go on acid trips, and in times of need, are willing to donate plasma together. COUPLE OF THE YEAR.
I NEED to see if his girl has a sister.
Mass text to all of my back up boy toys. First one here wins. Mama needs some.
Oh, and i love you too. Im just a selfish dick who had to talk about myself first
Please hurry up and come back. This is so awkward. He's showing me banana videos.
I'm gonna have to get you a special blowjob bib -- like a lobster bib -- but instead of a picture of a little red lobster, it will have a picture of a penis, with 3 big squirts coming out.
He gave me the choice between a threeway with his best friend or a tiny turtle. Unfortunately I chose the threeway.
I JUST WOKE UP WITH MY UBER DRIVER
Randomize
