i either got mauled last night by a velociraptor or an angry lipstick lesbian. could have been both
So after THIS dui, I've decided to stop driving. Not drinking, just quit driving.
I'm pretty sure "Like A Prayer" will forever remind me of drunk nights & pants down around the ankles
We started making out, then he decided to get naked, put on a condom, and proceed to dry hump my leg, sweat pants and all, until he blew his load. I thought this was college. I immediatly left claiming I can't sleep in other people's rooms. He didn't even bother taking off my hoodie.
DONT TAKE THE KEG OUT OF THE HOT TUB I NEED A PICTURE OF ME DOING A KEG STAND ON IT
Come over. Drunk tacos.
That isn't even a sentence.
I kept the important parts.
He's almost as awesome as vicodin.
Can i tell him you said that? Cuz i know that means a lot coming from you
Hypothetically speaking, what is the proper response if one gets bitten by a most likely not rabid squirrel? Hypothetically.
I mean...he was throwing up for almost 3 consecutive hours. I don't think there's a chance in hell that would have tasted even close to tolerable.
He had seven beers and tap-danced on the table like a pro. HOW DOES HE DO IT
Oh FYI, people asked how/why I met you and I didn't want to say "drunk at a party on an air mattress" so I made a story up. It was a very cute and charming story with no alcohol.
I'm wearing a dinosaur hat bikini cone bra over my shirt. So good things are happening
If you hear a sad honk in the wind it is me.
You're like a human soul vacuum cleaner.
So you realized he wasn't actually cheating on you and now you're trying to unfuck things. Or in this case unfuck Tom.
Randomize
