I'm not a real person
I'm sorry, everyone knows that
I woke up this morning and thought "Im sure I've seen this house in a porno" and instantly googlemapped myself
you texted me last night and told me you couldn't find the toilet.
That explains the puddle of pee in my closet.
Aparently his snake got loose in the middle of the night. Not a sex joke, he has a fucking snake
because whats more american than sleeping with a westpoint cadet on the 4th of july?
The cab driver thought we were passed out so he called a sexline...
I'm figuring, since someone shoved pizza crust in my ear last night, there might be some leftover pizza.
Well we get the HIV results on my birthday haha. It'll be like happy birthday kid, you have AIDS.
Paris has not been good for her. Everytime she has a one night stand from a different country, she buys a mini flag and tapes it to her wall with the others
He thought he was ordering for the whole party so when he came back with thirty burritos and four of us were left, he wasn't happy
And I wasn't prepared because its been a very long and lonely season and I wasn't expecting to find dick at Press Box trivia night....
I just got his Save the Dave and, to answer your next question, NO I AM NOT GOING TO THE WEDDING OF THE GUY WHO GOT DRUNK AND CAME ON MY CHEST.
I have dined. Now I want to get fucked.
you tried to fight the cop who was busting the party, you said you had a constitutional right to do a keg stand...
You turned down sex for fried cheese??
My penis and doctor won't be happy with me, but come on. Fried cheese!
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