Could a canary swim?
Last time I ever let you pet sit.
i told him my stretch marks were scars from a jellyfish sting........he totally bought it
and I was crying with the towel lady in the bathroom of the bar about the tragedy in Haiti. Then we hugged before I left and I gave her 10 dollars.
Drank another frat president under the table. Thinking of starting my own, gonna call it Alpha Phi Alcoholics
All she does is lay in bed and watch golden girls and masturbate all day...
It's inspiring.
Housekeeping just called to see if we were okay bc they came in the room earlier and we didn't move.
I feel like wearing underwear would just be poor planning
I ate goldfish off your shoulder, I think we had bigger issues
gladiator or hannah montana?
This is why I never have to ask who you are when I get a new phone.
Don't underestimate her when she starts going by "the vodka queen"
At least I remembered to wear a bra. I feel like that's a big accomplishment right now
I was about to take him home and fuck his brains out but then the police came and arrested him for the stolen credit card he had been buying me drinks with all night...
I would have rather been getting my vagina slowly waxed all day then be here.
You know you're an adult when you start planning your hookup a week in advance
Remember when you brought a guy home from the bar... to our parents house.... on thanksgiving eve?
Randomize
