I'm texring you during a blow job. She thinks I'm looking shit up. Fml. Ftw.
you called me at 4 in the morning to tell me that your toaster burnt your english muffin, and that you "fuckin hated that thing."
I can't believe I'm wasting this thong on a guy in a sweater vest.
For some reason, my father is not responding to the 5 texts I sent him that all read: "Dad dad dad dad dad dddaadd dddddaaaaaaaaad dad".
She is banging on the liquor store door begging them to let her come in.
LOVE ME LIKE A KANGARO LOVES A POUCH YOU DUMB CUNT
I'm so confused. I feel like I just intentionally took roofies to see where I'd end up.
And they were awkwardly all over each other in a Christian way.
I've officially done it all, fucked a girl wearing a twister board. ABC parties are amazing!
I took her to the bar and boom. All of my past slump busters were there. Shes cool enough to know what that means and said she was afraid they'd eat her so we left.
We were sitting in a hot tub debating how drunk we could get by osmosis if we kept spilling our drinks in it. This is what engineering college does to you.
Best case scenario I do a bunch of dirty things to you, blow your mind and you enjoy it. Worst case I stare at you, poke at you, smile and droll on myself, you laugh.
I also told the pizza delivery guy that he smelled good. I must be ovulating.
I'll accept that I'm a woo girl. Just not the drunk cowboy hat wearing bar mongering twat bag type
Don't forget my pants whenever you come over, otherwise we can't get in.
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