He asked for his proof of insurance and he pulled out a Magnum by mistake. All of the sudden gignger was looking real good to me.
One of the cleaning ladies on my floor just screamed from the bathroom
My mother just asked me if i ever swallow the goods...should i be concerned?
I'm at the grocery store buying monistat and corn nuts. thank god for self check out.
hey you knew what you were in for when i showed up with 2 fifths of Jim. plus i left money to pay for a new sink
Helped an old lady on crutches throw away her mcdonalds, carried her stuff to the car and helped her get in...most productive cinco de mayo hands down
There is a large scratch and bruise about the size of a pizza bagel next to my vagina. Please text back if you know what happened.
maybe her throwing up on me was a foreshadowing of how she would later metaphorically throw up on my life
Dude you asked your tattoo if it wanted to go swimming
It could be worse. I was dumped by a guy in a kilt after he gave my shoes away on St. Patrick's Day.
I've started budgeting for next year. It looks like I'll be crying tears of dollar bills and handing them over to pay back my unholy college debt.
Dude, she set my Tinder preference to men, set the radius to 100 miles, and used up all of my right swipes. I think she's mad.
You ask to touch his thighs ten times and called them magnificent.....need I say more
i woke up in just my thong, face first on my bed with all the lights on. how hungover do you think i felt?
The girl in the hotel room next to us walked out at the same time as me this morning. She just shook her head, looked at me and said, "faker." Is it that easy to tell?!??
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