someone threw a dead crab at me
p.s. this guy just tipped me with ecstasy pills. is this real life
I'm taking child development now so if you get pregnant i can raise your child no worries
i just saw a guy carrying a medieval times commemerative glass filled with vomit.. there were 2 people cheering him from behind
the theme of the baby shower is Nightmare On Prego Street
I answered the door to some Jehovah Witnesses hungover and wearing nothing but a white tshirt. I think they made it the church goal to reform me, we've gotten four pamphlets. My mom's going to make me convert if they keep coming.
What can i say, i'm an artist. I think deep thoughts. In between the homoerotica and pterodactyl noises
I'm sitting in my 10 am lecture drinking a flask out of a dorritos bag...I think people are starting to notice but I'm already too drunk to care
...I'm not a booty call or a pizza...you can't just call/text and expect to be eating me in an hour..
Eating an avocado like an apple while doing shots of fireball and watching finding nemo. I need to get my shit together.
I wrote an entire paper in under an hour about The Nightmare Before Christmas. I was also high as shit and pretty sure I dedicated half the page to the animation but still.
Mom said it is up to us to plan Thanksgiving. Hooters or Scores?
Or???
You're the air beneath my wings and the lookout when I pee
Thanks to you I can't show my boobs tomorrow for the interview.
You came in wearing a whipped cream bikini what did you think would happen
It may be a corded vibrator from the 90s but it gets the job DONE
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