Just made out with a pet sitter. His biz card says "even hamsters". Lowest point in my life.
I haven't worn deodorant in like three days and have been laying around in my underwear listening to music and drinking. I think i've made my own Bonnaroo in my apartment.
apparently i started the naked brigade. and depantsed everyone who wasn't naked. her parents must hate me.
as evidence of my kitchen this morning my night involved alot of mustard and condoms
They need to add a relationship status option on fb that says "having the baby of..."
When we woke up, I asked if we could play "what does your name rhyme with".....he said 'bave' thank god it was easy
But I always wanted my obit to read "Died violently in casino orgy," not "Never woke up from rectal surgery."
I think you'll appreciae more than anyone that I'm renting my parking spot out for a half gallon of vodka a month.
What are you doing St Patricks day? I'm banned from all work parties with open bar ever since the cinco de mayo party that I dumped a drink on my co-workers head and played air guitar on my boss' ankle cast.
I learned so much about myself in that shower.
Beer bonging to Ave Maria
On a completely unrelated note I think I have carpal tunnel
Again, totally unrelated
I'd risk everything I own for 10 min naked with her, 2 would be sex and the rest me crying like a little girl.
Fuck the walk of shame. I make this shit glorious.
The fact that you arent wearing shoes probably just adds to the classiness
Condom wrapper stuck to my shirt ups the anty
No I dont want him to bring his twin brother, cause then ill have to entertain him with my vagina
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