You put your red cup in a chain link fence and kept telling me you could use it as a telescope
That can be our thanksgiving, vodka and cornbread. Just like the pilgrims.
Drunk. Just jacked off for the third time in an hour. I love not being Catholic anymore.
do you know how scary it is to wake up in a CATSCAN machine after a night of drinking?
When she e-mailed me back asking for proof, complete with hospital intake records, I just told her it was a home-birth. I'm prepared to take the fail.
Down at Ground Zero right now. So many people here. It's the most patriotic game of grabass Ive ever seen.
I still have his teeth marks on the base of my penis. You didnt miss much
Sometimes while peeing I'll go hands free, put my arms up by my chest and make claw hands, and pretend I'm a new type of dinosaur called Dickosaurus Rex.
I am no longer drunk enough to crave tostitos
You left a bit of molly on the table and my mom found it. She asked what it was, I said "not drugs"
She believed me because "leaving that much behind on the table would be a waste so obviously it's not drugs."
Come here I'm naked
And I want mozzarella sticks
My glasses were in the garbage this morning
I drove them away with my sparkling personality and LOTR references.
this bedazzled flask is my best investment yet
I totally fucked your pastor last night.
You're his wife.
Still a dirty get down.
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