saw you walking with that piece of shit
and that piece of shit just read that
Springtime is officially here. I just used pool water to fill up the bong
I'm calling into work with a wicked case of sledge hammer crotch. She has to understand
Jumped in the kebab van and said he was Ultimate MasterChef. Incurred wrath of six angry Turks. I got free chips.
You should really trust me on this one. "hit it and quit it" might not be the best career move on your part...
Drunk me wrote a bucket list last night. #4 is "hate fuck a childhood enemy". Can we make this happen?
Only in my life does a conversation about Hanukkah lead to sexting
And to add, there was a fat guy right next to me who, when the girls would shake their butts, he would let out a shrill xena warrior princess cheer
She asked if she should pack the condoms, I told her I plan on drinking so much that it won't be possible.
Possibly threw up in my purse last night. Still suspicious of of all actions
How the hell could he be confused. He had a naked girl running to him. I feel like he would enjoy that.
Pretty sure we ruined a bachelorettes life last night
Swiping left on your brother's Tinder account is possibly the worst way to learn he broke up with his girlfriend.
She acted like falling "up" the stairs was a fucking physics phenomenon. I call that Tuesday nights.
how do you say “i know we haven’t hung out in a month, but i gave myself an amazing orgasm to your picture the other day” without coming on too strong
Randomize
