Fair warning.. porn on your laptop when you turn it on.. seemed like a wonderful idea last night.. until it died
its amazing how hard it is to tell vomit from stuffing the day after
Just got a lapdance on the metro. She said she was on maternity leave and needed the practice.
They both just did a shot, head butted each other, did another shot and then slapped each other in the face. These could be the two guys we've been looking for all our lives
and PS, please don't fuck in the corn maze, k?
I just watched the lion king for the first time in years. It's like the equivalent of a really good blow job.
I'm thinking about wearing a strap-on just to freak him out the next time he pulls my pants off.
I just woke up on an unfamiliar floor, my shoes are gone, my suits covered in red lipstick and chocolate, and Im wearing sunglasses that say "Maid of Honor".God damnit I love this country.
Jesus, I think this onesie was designed to keep me from masturbating.
I left my ice cream out over night, it's melted, fuck this, I just poured Bailey's in it. Problems solved.
My cat just tried to lay on my stomach while I was masturbating. And I let her because I am so starved for affection.
do you know of a way I can die but like NOT die? like not being unconcious, just ascending to an astral plane for a few weeks or months in real world time so i can sort my issues out away from the rigors of life kinda deal, you know?
WHERE THE FUCK AM I? AND WHO PUT DUCK TAPE ON MY NIPPLES! MY NIPPLES!!!!!!
Wait til you see what we did to Dave. Hairy bastard will never be the same
Of course he’s dumb. He’s got a 9 inch dick! There’s not enough blood in his body for a big dick and a big brain. It’s science
she was all excited about us being eskimo sisters and then i was just like "alyssa i've literally been inside of you" and she got even more excited
Randomize
