Honestly I wish you never came into my life. I know I don't want you. But I keep trying to get you back bc of the memories
I don't see you I see the memories. All the time
Just bought purple Ray Bans. If there was any small chance that I would ever have sex with women ever again, I just buried it.
On ecstasy, in Ikea. this is incredible.
Omg just woke up. 6am. random apartment. broad daylight. bunch of ppl doin coke around me. Theres a bridge nearby. I think my dentist is down the block. Oof.
Found out why they call her Halfpipe Jenny-NOT the cool reason we thought
Absolutely. Last time I signed up for a softball league I had sex with my high school economics teacher.
Woke up next to my bed in a pile of skittles, sleeping on a pair of sweatpants. I can't believe the girl didn't stick around..
found a cell phone. in the freezer. wrapped in bologna. explain?
1. Sorry about making it snow. 2. If it left a mess, I will be over to clean it. 3. Can that fire extinguisher still be used? If not, I'll buy a new one. 4. I just wanted to make it snow!
the bruises from climbing out of the window last night make sitting at my desk impossible. legit excuse to not study right?
Dollar Store pregnancy tests. For when you sorta wanta know.
They have marijuana tests too!
I need to get a job that holds me accountable for something. Otherwise I wake upon Monday wondering when the booze store opens and if I still have a boyfriend.
A dude just looked at me like my drunk swaying was corrupting his progeny DUDE YOUR KID HAS A MULLET YOU'VE ALREADY RUINED HIM
He was eating my ass and came up for air, I almost choked laughing because he had a toilet paper cling on stuck in his mustache
I am luring the porn star to my house with chicken!
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