This is your typical "sorry i got drunk and tried to seduce you into having sex while you were throwing up" text.
I like how you refer to peeing in the car as "super cute"
You were rubbing your foot on one of your legs and kept saying, "My sock feels like a waterslide!"
I'm calling into work with a wicked case of sledge hammer crotch. She has to understand
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Did I send you an asleep facebook message about the upcoming football season titled 'BRILLIANT' at 4:45 this morning?
You had one beer and one beer can full of vodka and you took a huge gulp of one of them and called it Emily Roulette
If you two are having sex, stop. I have something really important to ask you about psychics.
This hurricane was the perfect excuse to buy 2 pounds of animal crackers and a case of beer. It's on Sandy.
You disappeared for 10 minutes. Then came back with nothing but your boxers and a life jacket on to tell us we were all screwed when the flood came and you would be the only survivor.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Getting day drunk before work is perfectly acceptable when its 99 cent margaritas.
I have the WORST cramps EVER. I think this is gods way of saying 'you're welcome, last warning. stop being a slut.'
I'm suffering a hangover from deep within. I feel like the half of the parts of my body are permanently laced with alcoholic substances
My vagina doesn't have a refer a friend program. You don't get $25 for getting your friend to have sex with me.
Quick question—how good are you at digging holes? I mean, besides the one you've dug for yourself. asking for a friend
She was cute in her own little way. Shit, free taco's makes anyone hot.
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