dude, the building's fire alarm was going off for over an hour last night and you didn't move
that's ok, when I'm passed out drunk I'm impervious to flame
He told me he was 'pondering the natural wonder that is my ass'
Like, dude. I'm already fucking you, you don't need to wax poetic.
Isn't he wasted enough that he might actually mean it and not just be trying to get you to fuck him without a condom?
didn't know how to tell his mom I was confused about how long we'd been together because we banged for a full year before making it official
I'm gonna wear that dress that makes me look like a slut. You know, the one your sister got arrested in.
Pulling over on the side of the road to set off fireworks was the worst idea you have ever had. I don't care if it was called a friendship pagoda.
Just wait til you visit, there will be an endless supply of fresh dick for your demand #economics
We celebrated International Women's Day by spending $700 and taking our tops off at the strip club
The boys offered to pay but we went halfs because we're feminists
There's no discreet way to sneak a cucumber into the shower lol
The problem is that you are trying to hold on to some dignity. Let it go. I hope your rash gets better.
There's no time frame.
For drinking wine out of the bottle and taking nyquil at 9 AM? There probably should be.
I also farted in bed this morning and said, "I don't even care. My body deserves that."
I just watched your sister pour half a bottle of cotton candy flavored snow cone syrup into a bottle of marshmallow flavored vodka, take a swig, frown, and pour a cherry coke in.
Just wait until she offers you a "powerita"
In other news, I’ve officially fucked a grandpa.
I just smoked weed out of a tomahawk, then chased an armadillo with said tomahawk, I love my life.
Let's be real, he was never going to be tall enough
Randomize
