our school mascot just walked into class and threw condoms everywhere. welcome to college
he left me a note this morning. it said "thank you for letting me touch you"
And there I was, sitting Indian style on the kitchen floor, my fingers covered in peanut butter.
just found gum connecting my sunglasses to my floor board. you don't want to know where else it was.
The cop and I then joined forces to get you up off the sidewalk.
stumbled upon a picture of an owl staring me in the face. i almost offered him a bong hit.
She looks like she smells of sausage, sunblock and sorrow.
But I do know they give away thousands and thousands in booze
My liver has a boner
She said she forgot something.. and when she came out she was carrying a garden gnome, and a bottle of vodka. she was too hot to question it.
He stood me up.
I'm no sure if I should be pissed or proud that he finally grew a backbone.
i fell out of the car and didnt spill my drink. come overrrr
truly a win in your book
Last night I dreamt that I sold my car and used the money to have wheels surgically implanted in my feet and legs so I became a human heely and I just rolled everywhere
If he cant deal with my insomnia and sex drive I really feel sorry for his child and ex fiance. Adulthood breakups are depressing.
So from zero to dumpster fire, how shitty do you feel this morning? I'm hovering somewhere around trainwreck.
Well I just woke up to no pants, Gatorade on the headboard along with an uneaten steak, and the instinct I was a giant asshole.
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