Last night i stole a disco ball from a frat house by pretending i was pregnant.
well this feels familiar. awake at the crack of dawn laying in the fetal position praying for the sweet release of death. i think im done with jager for a while
So I'm on the can right now reading a court transcript for an appeal. Some dude is paying $155 an hour for me to take a shit.
She played chubby bunny with our cocks.. She got 4
I stole another quarter from the bathroom. I'm slowly getting rich drinking here.
We carried on a casual conversation about plants while I gave him a hand job.
Uh oh I Hage to dance yes, my feet are Whitney Houston
He gave me an elaborately handwritten invite (on a bar coaster) back to his place and whispered in my ear 'i have ping pong'. And he said byob. fuck THAT.
hey if you're going to the hospital do you wanna pick me up a taco on your way back
You're the only person I know who can be puking into a trash can at 8 in the morning in Manhattan and get a date out of it....
I'm just saying, I walked in on you blowing a burrito. I now understand how obsessed you are with Taco Bell. And how long it's been since you've got some.
Odd start to the day - the FBI just showed up at my apartment.
Can someone please remind me later tonight that there's a taco in my purse. I may get drunk and forget I put it there
Decided to stay in tonight. Completely sober. Just got two drunken booty calls within 5 minutes of each other. This is my life.
you asked me how to turn on the ladder
Randomize
