You're going to have to tell him your name isn't Ivor McTruckson eventually.
Do you know what's great about Canada?..... There will always be a Tim Hortons on my walk of shame route
I've already started drinking so the earlier you get out of class the more coherent I'll probably be.
Honestly the war on drugs is dumb and you can just sleep in my bed which is mega comfortable anytime you want. There I said it
Whore. There is deli meat in my wallet.
Just drove by where I lost my sausage gravy virginity
I smell like a skunk, but I'm okay with that.
if elf comes on TV one more time i swear to god i will smash my brains out with this fruitcake
So to add to headbutting the microwave while waiting for my hot pockets to cook. I apparently told both bartenders earlier in the night I was going to fuck them both. I hate black out drunk me..
I'm about to have a bowl of Advils... without any fucking milk.
Um. Did you take a picture of me with a giant dildo after we went bowling?
Our prom king just sent me a dick pic. I know it's 10 years later but I feel like I've finally made it.
Finally get to put my practical writing degree to use! I'm writing a craigslist ad for a threesome
i just sneezed the second i jizzed and it got in my eye. words can't describe how much i hate life right now.
Dude... this pee is not alleged
YOU SAT ON MY LAP!
Wuddup pee lap
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