I twisted my ankle last night doing a super high five with 3 inch heels on.
They are providing beer and having a margarita machine. This cannot be passed up.
Thanks for not stopping me when I decided to call my mom at 2 in the morning to ask her where I was born
I was tripping so hard I was disappointed when I pulled back the shower curtain and shrek wasn't standing there
I hope my orgasm sounds aren't secretly that bad and no one tells me
How does this dude know what a dying walrus sounds like? That's the real question
When we were done making out, some guy ran into the room yelling, "I'll save you Brandon! I'll save you!"
If you don't get head tonight I will castrate you
Seriously. Castrate.
I just had the best counseling appointment lets fucking rage
at crossfit today a guy shit his pants while deadlifting 405 lbs. coach made fun of him then congratulated him on his new personal record.
I got drunk by myself and ended up listening to Beethoven in the dark.
I just sneezed glitter I JUST SNEEZED G LITTER I j u st SneeZED GLIT TER I DO NOT HAVE TIME FOR THIS AT ALL.
One of my life goals was never to see an uncircumcised dick. I guess that's out the window now.
I just want to braid flowers into his hair and steal all of his pills.
I've been sleeping with the same person for about two months now, I think I know a little bit about stability and commitment.
Someone should walk up to them and say, "We're sorry, you're too hot to be out here with the other humans."
Randomize
