ha. weirdest feeling ever. just wiped my ass with my non-dominant hand. (eating cheeseburger with right one)
Your grandmother is in heaven weeping.
So are we goin out tonight?
Dude, we woke up in your car in some parking lot last night...
And that was fun, wasn't it?
There is something just so refreshing and wonderful about an uninterrupted morning poop in the office.
So, halfway through sex he stops and starts crying. He said he's worried god hates him for all his bad decisions...think he meant to imply I was one of them...
I just jerked it so loud the neighbor banged on their floor. maybe my wife got the point
just puked in a purse in the store. some girl asked if i was gonna buy it now and i laughed and asked her why id want a bag some dude just puked in. her face looked like she saw the devil.
There comes a time in a man's life when he's almost thirty he just needs to stop watching Degrassi. This is that time.
I'm taking her home. She just told a 90 yo woman in a packers hat to "suck her cock".
she has an amazing ass but I need more beers to get past her horse face. It works out perfect becauseI can use her teeth as a bottle opener.
I puked on myself in front of a customer. all. over. myself. thanks Saturday nights
I think not having bongs in close range is good for my academia
All I want in life is to get high, take a shower, and him to go down on me. Simultaneously. That's legit my idea of heaven.
Remember that time you bought snap bracelets on Amazon and they sent you 300 pregnancy tests instead? Amazon knows.
You had me on my knees catching cheese balls in my mouth and moaning. In front of all your friends.
You realized your blanket was a snuggie, spread your arms, and yelled "tonight I sleep like jesus!"
Randomize
