Just walked by a group of guys calling out walks of shame with a mega phone from their front porch.
the protein jug says add 2 scoops to your favorite beverage. guess who just found a way to make sam adams healthy? THIS GUY
people at meijer look at you funny when you have 37 bottles of champagne in your cart.
i mean, i stole her boyfriend and beat her snake score on facebook within 48 hours. not her week.
I don't think you seem to understand this concept. WHEN A GAY GUY HANDS YOU A DAIQUIRI, YOU DRINK IT.
No but the chipped one is crooked now. Clearly I didn't use my hands to break my fall. I used my face
It's one of those nights that you wish to god someone would booty call you, and then realize you'll just be stuck here with your poptart...
I told you in the isle if you get the one that vibrates that I masturbating with it. Your fault.
Bullshit. You owe me a toothbrush.
Come share oat with me in your robe
The NSA quit spying on phones. I'm sending you SO MANY dick pics.
I just went on etsy and my personalized suggestions on the page were either kinky sex restraints or baby things. I feel like etsy just summarized my life.
You know you suck at relationships when you are sitting in the airport on Christmas day, alone, swiping on Tinder.
Just once, can I please come back to a room that doesn't smell like beer and cum?
After we fucked we sat in bed and watched Charlie St. Cloud and he fed me ice cream. It was probably the most romantic thing I've ever done.
I'm gonna make out with this 38 yr old. Mark my words. I don't even have daddy issues.
Randomize
